


hate me or hold me

by ratbrain



Series: "I'm claiming Jon Sims for the neurodivergents" [3]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist Has ADHD, Touch-Averse Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:48:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27905470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratbrain/pseuds/ratbrain
Summary: Jon has to think of a way to tell Martin that he doesn't like being touched for long periods of time, and he definitely doesn't overthink it.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: "I'm claiming Jon Sims for the neurodivergents" [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2020882
Comments: 18
Kudos: 130





	hate me or hold me

It had all started in the safehouse. 

It was a lovely place, of course. When they first arrived Martin had practically fallen in love with the place, and Jon could easily see why. Everything about the place just seemed so like him, from the thin seafoam green curtains that hung in front of every window to the tiny house shaped tea pot that sat unused on the stove. Jon would never admit to it, but sometimes he’d wonder what it would be like if they had come here on better terms. And some nights, after dinner when they would have a small fire going in the fireplace and Martin would sigh contentedly and lean into his side, he’d be able to forget the institute, even if only for a minute. 

So, of course, that was when the problem set in. 

Well, it wasn’t a huge problem. Definitely nothing as life threatening as he’d become accustomed to, but a problem nonetheless. 

Jon wasn’t entirely averse to touch. Granted he didn’t have much affection growing up, but regardless he knew where he stood. He liked it, truly he did. It was just prolonged affection that he didn’t understand. When Martin would curl into his side and begin to doze off Jon would just become a bit restless. He loved Martin, and he loved how Martin trusted him like that. Just whenever that happened his mind would start racing with a million different thoughts and he knew he couldn’t speak unless he wanted to wake up Martin, and there was no way in hell he was doing that. Then he would feel uncomfortable, like he could feel every spot Martin was pressed against and his legs would begin to go numb. 

His problem, of course, was how to break this to Martin. 

He had thought about it a few times, what he would say. But it wasn’t long before he’d become too overwhelmed with too many possibilities all at once ( _ what if he thinks you don’t love him? After how you treated him at the institute that wouldn’t exactly be an insane assumption. And really, why can’t you just suck it up and deal with it?)  _ that he’d begin to debate not even saying anything. But he knew that Martin would want him to tell the truth, so he would. He just had to think of a way to do that and not break Martin's heart in the process. 

So, he made a list. 

He started by listing off the most important things. 1. He liked being touched, just not for prolonged periods of time. 2. The reason he hadn’t been speaking up on it was that he was afraid Martin would be upset. He kept going through every possible scenario until he was fairly certain he’d had all of his bases covered. Sure, things could be unpredictable, but at least he had a semblance of a plan. 

He waited until Martin came home from the store, a paper bag in each hand. Jon took one of the bags from him and began emptying its contents onto the kitchen table. 

“Martin, can I talk to you about something?” he asked. 

“Of course, is everything alright?” Martin said, eyeing a can of chicken noodle soup before placing it in a nearby cabinet. 

“Yeah, it’s just, oh-” Jon searched his pockets, before realizing he’d left the letter upstairs on accident.  _ Stupid,  _ he told himself,  _ maybe it’s a sign that you should just process your feelings like a normal person and not feel the need to write fucking letters.  _

“Jon are you sure-”

“Yes it’s just, I wrote a letter but I left it upstairs and, just hang on,” he ran upstairs, grabbed the letter off the nightstand and came back down to a now concerned Martin.  _ Now you made him worried over something so small, stupid.  _

“Okay, so I don’t like being touched for prolonged periods of time. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I was worried you would think that it meant I didn’t actually care about you. Which I do, I promise! I care about you a lot, it’s just that I’m not exactly comfortable with intimacy if it’s for a long time?”

Martin looked at him for a bit. He seemed relieved, which made Jon feel a bit better. 

“So when you say prolonged you mean?”

“When you fall asleep on me on the couch. You look absolutely lovely, I just don’t feel a hundred percent comfortable with it yet.”

“Oh alright. But what about when I hug you? Is that alright?”

“Yes it’s fine. I do like affection, just not when it’s like that.”

“Oh. Okay.” Martin said before turning back to the groceries. 

“Wait, you’re not upset?”

“No? Why, should I be?”

“Well, it’s just, you don’t mind?”

“Once again no? If you’re uncomfortable then we won’t do it, simple as that. Besides, I don’t like you solely because I like cuddling with you. It’s not as if you’re telling me I can’t ever talk to you or something again.”

“Oh. Um, a-alright then.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yes. I’m actually insanely relieved.”

“Why? Were you worried I wouldn’t like you or something?”

“A bit, although I do suppose it sounds rather stupid spoken aloud.”

“Eh, I don’t think so. Your mind has a way of playing tricks on you sometimes, so what is actually trivial seems like the most pressing matter in the world. But I can assure you that I am not upset.”

“That’s good to know.”

Martin smiled at him, and in that moment he was perfectly content. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> fun fact I wrote this while my girlfriend was sleeping in my bed and I was having a mini crisis over the fact that I can't cuddle and sleep with someone because I'm too restless


End file.
